April 9, 2008

A Thousand Times Adieu

Posted in Public Service Announcement at 4:41 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

Alright, I know a lot of you know that I have serious commitment issues.But I promise, what follows is not about my inability to see something through to the end or my need to get out when it starts going really well because I am scared about what will come next. It’s not because Philebrity said they liked me and if someone likes me that must mean there is something wrong with that person and so I should run for the hills (or the arms of an ex), even though I know that in a couple of years when I see that person out with another girl and we start talking and I see how happy he is with her I’ll kick myself for being such an a-hole.

I swear this is not about you. For that matter it’s not about me either. It’s about them.

The powers that be – who in this analogy will be playing the part of our parents to my fair-haired maiden Juliet and your (my readers) love-struck Romeo. Well, except for the haters, they will be playing the part of the emotionally abusive Romeo. Not many folks know it, but in earlier drafts of the Bard’s play, Romeo was a bit of a jerk as he tried to persuade Juliet to give it up.

Yes, just like the adults in that tale of woe that kept Juliet from her Romeo, the powers that be would like it if I didn’t write this blog for you to read.

So, is this it? Good-bye forever? Off to Mantua with you and a life of serving Paris for me? Who’s to say? Maybe I will deny my father and refuse my name. Of course that would leave me broke – with the Capulet names goes the Capulet trust fund. And it is not as if you can support us with the sporadic work you are finding; it’s not as if folks are lining up to hire an exile. Then there are bills to pay, eventually we will want children and they will need braces and we will need money for private schools because Mantua public school are absolutely terrible.

Alright, maybe the starving artist route isn’t for me, err us. After all, I really like pocketbooks and you are not that hip-hip on reading about my personal life – you much prefer to read about my work life. So, while I investigate whether or not a rose by any other name really does smell as sweet, you all don’t lose hope that the only way this ends is a suicide pact. It has been more than 500 years since Shakespeare penned that tragedy. Certainly other options are available to us.


July 2, 2007

Welcome to the First Ever Klemmy’s

Posted in Blog Backlash, Lawyer Lifestyles, Public Service Announcement at 8:38 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

So apparently some of you don’t think I am very funny, some of you think I’m whiney and at least one of you thinks you may end up like me in 5 to 10 years.  Still not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but in an effort to win some of you back I am offering my first ever list of the best things in Center City.   

See, I know at least some of you are new to this city, whether that is because you just moved here from law school or because you are summering here.  Some of you may have even moved here because of a significant other.  Well, moving is hard and learning a new city is even harder, not that I know from first-hand experience, but I hear these things.   

So, here are my observations on where to eat and hang out since that is what I do a lot of in Philadelphia.  Maybe farther down the road I will offer suggestions on where to go to see a show or the best place to buy flowers after you screwed around on your girlfriend.  Maybe.  For now, I will stick with what I know: food and drink.     

The best part, if you don’t agree with me you can say so.  I only ask that if you think I messed up, tell me why.  Give me an alternative.  I will try it and let you know why you are wrong.  Other readers can try both and agree with me.  This way everyone wins. And we like that right?  Everyone winning.  

Best Dunkin’ Donuts 

This is a no brainer.  The Dunkin Donuts in the concourse located between the ATM machines and a salad shop, across from the bookstore, underneath 4 Penn Center. Yes it always has a huge line, but they fly through that line like it was their jobs.  I guess because it is. 

Best Sandwich

Nodding Head’s Muffaletta.  I know a lot of you may disagree with this,  you may argue that choosing a sandwich that is not native to the area is just wrong, but I don’t care.  This thing is heaven on a boule roll. 

Second Best Sandwich

Café Loftus’ The Elvis. It’s got peanut butter, it’s got bananas and it’s got honey all toasted to gooey perfection on your choice of bread.  And at less than $4.00, what is there not to love? 

Best Pizza

Dolce and Carini’s white slice.  At 20th and Chestnut this is a bit of a hike for some of you.  But if you love garlic and ricotta cheese, trust me it is worth it. 

Best Burger 

Good Dog.  If I didn’t ruffle your feathers with the muffaletta, this choice for best burger may.  But I am sorry, they stuff their burgers with Roquefort cheese.  There is no other word for that but awesome.   I’m not giving them best mussels or best fries or even best beer selection.  Not that those are categories this time around, but those are all the categories their number one competitor for best burger would surely win. 

Best Summer Happy Hour

Mexican Post.  The food is not great, the layout is awkward and the service is deplorable.  But with $3.00 margaritas the size of your head, you can overlook all those other things.  Plus the outside patio is nice as long as it isn’t too hazy hot and humid in the city. 

Oh and be advised that these are just my opinions formed over 10 years of trial and error.  There was no official voting or polling or sampling done and these views certainly don’t express the views of my editor or this publication.

Also, if you have a nut allergy, don’t get the Elvis Pressley as it is made with peanuts and therefore could kill you.

I would really hate to see that happen to most of you.

April 19, 2007

Sound Off. One. Two.

Posted in Public Service Announcement at 5:38 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

 As those of you who read last week’s column know, I am currently trying to complete my high school’s service hour requirements so I can once and for all feel good about graduating.  (For those of you who didn’t catch last week’s column but wish to do so, check out www.younglawyeronline.com)

So, this weekend I was sitting around trying to figure out just how I could be of use to my community. Coming up with zeroes I decided to pop over to Craigslist as it is my favorite form of procrastination. I read through the missed connections, always my first stop, when I came across a post that could have been about me.

And not just because I am a narcissist but because the majority of those posts are so purposefully vague they could be about anyone.

I thought about responding. The post reminded me of a boy I used to have feelings for and I guess it was more I wanted the post to be from him than for it to be about me. I thought about what I would say in response. It has been so long and I have had so many feelings that my initial reaction was to ask him what right he had after all these years.

But then it hit me, I was actually okay. I wasn’t angry or hurt anymore. I was confused, but really I had gotten over the fact that I was never going to know what the heck really happened a long time ago.

And then reality sunk in and I remember this post wasn’t from him. I have a very vivid fantasy life.

Still, I had this whole thing to say and no one to say it to. Which is when it occurred to me, if I, a person who has a real problem not saying exactly what she is thinking at the exact moment she is thinking it, has all these leftover things to get off her chest, I bet there are others out there, just as desperate for a sounding board.

So, in an effort to spread goodwill and clear up any debt to society I may owe, I am offering this page to you to tell whomever, whatever.

Here, I will go first.

I’m okay. I wasn’t at first. I was confused and then angry and then crazy and then desperate (and maybe those last two are one in the same) for a while. And then there was a time when all I wanted was an answer as to why. But I got over that as well. The truth is, I don’t want to know why because it may be that it was all just lies and you were just using me and if that is the case, then that ruins you for me. And I don’t want you ruined. I don’t want to have to hate you. Because you are a part of who I am today. And for that I am grateful.

Okay, now your turn. Let ’em have it; whether it is a former flame, your current significant other or your miserable boss. And don’t worry about them ever seeing it. The only other person who ever actually reads this page is my mom and she’s not going to tell.

March 8, 2007

Shedding Your Winter Weight

Posted in Public Service Announcement at 3:18 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

Spring is my second favorite season of the year and by the end of this month, it will officially be here.  Starting March 1st, I look for the signs that sunny skies are just ahead.  I’ll admit it, I still scout for my first robin red breast and even though it means one less hour of sleep that night, I wait with baited breath for the day we spring our clocks forward.  

Yesterday, I saw my first sure sign of spring.  As I was getting in the elevator after lunch a gentleman stepped in with me.  He was dressed in running sneakers, sweatpants and a long sleeve t-shirt.  His forehead was shiny with sweat.  I looked down at myself and sighed; because along with longer daylight hours and budding trees comes skirts and fitted tops.  No longer can we hide under wool pants and bulky sweaters.  It is officially time to start shedding the pounds we packed on to keep ourselves warm all winter long. 

Having gone through the process of getting into bikini shape for the last 15 years I thought I would offer some of my sage wisdom to my readers out there.  And while living with lightweights in college and dating wrestlers in high school I picked up a lot of tips for dropping ten pounds in two days.  Although those “run around in a garbage bag suit for two hours” or “stand on your head for thirty minutes” exercise plans do provide results, there is no guarantee that you will keep it off for more than the time it takes to step on a scale. 

Personally, I think the hardest part of starting any new workout plan is sticking to it.  One method that has always gotten me out of bed in the morning for those before dawn runs is to hang an article of clothing you wish to get into in plain sight.  Every year I buy a new bikini and hang it on my bedroom door.  This way when the alarm opens my eyes in the morning, it is the first thing I see.  Any desire I have to stay in bed is quickly usurped by my desire to look hot on the beach.  I have friends who vary this a bit by putting pictures of bodies they wish they had on their refrigerators. 

Another way I have found to motivate myself is to train for something.  I believe the Philadelphia Bar Association 5k is May 20, 2007.  Maybe you want to set a goal to complete it in less than 25 minutes.  Maybe you just want to finish it.  Either way, setting this goal will help you stay on track. 

A friend once told me she carries her gym bag with her to work.  Not only does she not have to go home, change and then rally to go back out to the gym but the bag also acts as a deterrent from going to happy hour after work.  After all you don’t want to carry that bulky bag with you.  So, not only will you burn calories at the gym, you will prevent the consumption of empty ones at the bar.

And of course before starting any diet or exercise program you will want to consult with a physician first.  Just don’t call the doctor you send your clients to; as you know he will tell you exactly what you pay him to say. 

February 15, 2007

Valentine’s Day Massacre

Posted in Public Service Announcement at 8:23 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

As many of you know, I started 2007 wanting to change myself for the better.  So far, it has been a resounding success.  Still, I feel a little empty inside and have decided I want to do something for humanity. This is why I have chosen to take on the government, the calendar making industry and yes, Hallmark.  I am freeing this world of Valentine’s Day. 

I had contemplated taking on SEPTA and their utter lack of service, but that just proved to be too hard.  I mean, who wants to boycott when the wind chill factor has the thermometer dipping below zero?

I also thought about using my keen fashion sense to help makeover the less fortunate.  However, I was reminded (by my sister) that no one leaves the house in the morning thinking they look terrible thus my ambush techniques may be less than welcomed. 

So after crossing SEPTA and bad dressers off my list of what ails me, the solution was clear.  I have to rid the world of Valentine’s Day. 

Trust me, this is not just for the singles out there, but for all mankind, especially men.  This holiday is the worst for you.  You are the ones with all the pressure to perform; to get the perfect gift and deliver it in the most romantic setting possible.  You are the ones that all the advertisements for jewelry, flowers, candy and lingerie are directed towards.  Even those of you who will get gifts from your significant others, chances are she will outdo you every time.  Women are just better gift-givers.  We are capable of a level of selfishness you will never be able to comprehend.

But women in relationships, this will benefit you too.  Picture this: you are out at a very romantic dinner at your favorite restaurant, you stare lovingly into the eyes of the man that you think you could spend the rest of your life with, when he reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out an envelope.  He slides it across the table.  You immediately recognize the size and shape.  You look up, your eyes gleaming, your lips parted in anticipation.  How did he know that you wanted tickets to the Justin Timberlake show?  You never mentioned it to him; you thought he would make fun of you.  Plus, it is a sold-out show, so this gift must have cost him a small fortune.

You tear open the envelope and find – four tickets to the Phillies’ home opener.  Your body involuntarily falls and he immediately starts to plead his case.  “But you love going to baseball games with your girlfriends.” 

And he is right.  I mean since the addition of Chase Utley, what girl doesn’t like spending an evening in Citizen’s Bank Park?  Every time you can get your firm’s tickets you email the same three girls and make a night out of it.  Still, even if this is the Fightin’ Phils’ year (again), it’s not the gift you expected as he slid that envelop towards you. 

Removing this holiday from our lives will alleviate the inevitable disappointment you feel each and every year because you are not with one of the six men that can get this holiday right.  For those of you who received a Vermont Teddy Bear, you are more disappointed than most. 

Oh, and for the record, those six men change every year, so just because you had one this year, does not mean you will still be with him in 2008.  It could just as easily be you next year, developing frown lines as you look down at a rose dipped in gold. 
I recognize that this removal could be a huge blow to the flower, candy and card industries.  That is why I am suggesting we replace it, with Friendship Day, which I believe is “celebrated” in early August.  I mean, really, doesn’t August deserve a holiday?  February already has President’s Day. 

And since everyone has at least one friend, no one is left out.  Even better, from a sales perspective, most people have a lot of friends, so sales could be triple; even quadruple those on February 14th.  Just imagine, desks filed with yellow roses and Gerbera daisies, silver and gold best friend charm bracelets and BYOBs packed with large groups, all laughing and sharing and spending money. 

I imagine as years past, this holiday grows in popularity and my genius for redirecting our attention to it becomes legendary, the U.S. Government may even see fit to move it to my birthday and make it a dual celebration.  And while I am harboring delusions of grandeur, I want them to make it an “observed” holiday, so that everyone can get a three-day weekend for my birthday, err Friendship Day. 

Who’s with me?