January 28, 2008

The Isle of Metrosexuality

Posted in Lawyer Lifestyles, Office Hijinks at 10:09 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

At my new office there is a department that is made up of only the finest and prettiest lawyers this city has to offer. Well, no, that is not fair. I am sure there are prettier men in this city. And I can’t be sure the whole department looks like they just stepped out of a high-end, alcoholic-beverage advertisement. There could be women in this department, there could even be old, stodgy men in this department. I just know every time I am in the elevator with a particularly pretty gentleman I notice he gets off the elevator on the very same floor.And by a particularly pretty gentleman, I mean I think we are up to six now. Six men with striped shirts and printed ties, clean-shaven faces (except for the one that can pull off the scruffy look while still looking perfectly groomed in a way I only thought a Ken doll could), corporate faux-hawks and manicured eyebrows all working in the same department.

In my head, on this floor, when no one is around, I imagine these boys all gather in one office playing video golf and discussing the winter sale at Boyds, the latest moisturizers available at Kiehl’s and, of course, the new girl’s rack. I wonder if billables take a sharp decline the day after GQ, Esquire and Details are delivered to subscribers’ homes. I also wonder if everyone in the department subscribes to all three magazines or if they each subscribe to only one and then pass them around when they are done devouring the issue.

But what I really can’t understand is why this department. The law they practice does not require them to be well-coifed or even well-dressed, or at least not that well-coifed or well-dressed. Is it because like attracts like, so way back when, one metrosexual was hired and others heard the news and started applying to openings in this department? Or maybe the practice of this particular law doesn’t require a lot of thought or effort, leaving these guys plenty of time to read up on their fantasy picks and workout at the gym. Or maybe they were all normal, okay looking guys before coming to work here, and then through a combination of peer-pressure and secretly liking the way their hands looked after a manicure, they all became pretty.

I may need to go all Jane Goodall on this firm and move my stuff to their floor, live amongst them for awhile. Even if I can’t figure out why this particular practice attracts all the very pretty boys, maybe I will be able to learn where they get their eyebrows waxed.

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January 18, 2008

Elevator Etiquette

Posted in Office Hijinks at 8:19 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

I don’t like to be touched.

Something I don’t like even more than touching is the threat of touching, which is the number one reason why I hate elevators.

While Emily Post has never officially deemed it so, I believe there is a proper order to getting into an elevator. My building’s current elevators comfortably hold eight individuals in what I like to call the 3-2-3 model. Three people in the back, one in each corner and one in the middle, two in the next row standing between the three in the back and then three in the front following the same pattern as the back row. This leaves lots of breathing room and room to maneuver just in case the woman in the back corner needs to get out first.

And sure there are times, for instance at 8:59 in the morning or when an elevator is down, that more people need to crowd into the space, but this particular morning was not one of them. There were only six of us in the car. I was in the middle back position when this crazy coworker stepped in and stood just to the right and only slightly in front of me.

She was so close I could taste her hair.

Worse, there was no where I could go. She just stood there, almost brushing my coat with her coat staring up at the TV in the elevator that flashes celebrity birthdays, stock updates, news, weather, travel weather and fun new words.

Two more people got on, giving her plenty of room to adjust, but she didn’t. She just stood there, reading what someone in Tuscaloosa had to say in response to the viewer’s poll.

I was so tempted to whisper in her ear, “You know the NY Times online has all of this information and more.” but refrained just in case she had a blog of her own. I wouldn’t want to be known as the creepy coworker that suggestively whispers in people’s ears.

Instead, I just held my breath, as breathing heavily in a coworker’s ear is equally as creepy.

When I finally got to my floor I ran right into New Boss’s office to vent my frustration at people’s poor elevator etiquette. He then started in on how much he hates when he goes to get off an elevator and the doors open and there is someone standing right there. Worse is when the person makes a move to get on before he has had a chance to get off.

He added that he noticed it is only women that do this. My face colored a bit, but I wasn’t going to start a fight. Particularly since I have never noticed this particular phenomenon before and therefore couldn’t come up with any concrete examples of men that do it too. For all I knew, it was something only women do.

Later that day, when I was going down to get an un-environmentally friendly bottle of water, I had the whole elevator to myself. I breathed in deep and thanked the elevator gods for such a nice gift. I read all the day’s top stories and learned what celebrities were older than me and as the elevator neared the lobby level, I prepared myself for departure. The doors opened and there, standing in my way was Jerkface (the attorney formerly known only as Lawyer In Question). I rolled my eyes and pushed past him. As soon as the doors closed I pushed the up bottom, so excited to confront New Boss with a real live male example of someone doing just what he said only women do that I forgot all about my bottle of water.

Oh, and I settled on Jerkface because when I described another recent transaction with my office crush, Lauren asked, “When are you going to stop flirting like a fourth grader.”

I just stared back at her blankly. Is there another way to flirt?

January 4, 2008

A New Year and Another Chance at A New Me

Posted in Lawyer Lifestyles, Office Hijinks at 6:50 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

Last year at this time, I took the opportunity to share with you my resolutions for the new year. And while my intention was to share with you just how hard it was to live a dual life, telling the legal community the changes I wanted to make had unexpected consequences of actually having to keep my resolutions, less one of my readers caught me sneaking a butt.

And because I am selfish and entitled and this is my blog, I think I am going to share with you my resolutions again, hoping it has the same effect. With any luck, this time next year I will be writing this blog to you sitting on a size two behind.

A few weeks back, New Boss and I were talking about nothing really when the topic turned to wine and he asked me if I had ever been to Napa Valley. I answered honestly, No.

A couple minutes later, he asked me if I was ever in Ireland.

No.

Later, still talking about traveling, he asked me if I had ever been to France.

Yeah, oh no.

He smiled and asked me where I had been.

Truth be told, not very many places. In fact, the only time I was ever out of the United States was in college when I visited Tijuana, Mexico. Thus, new year resolution number one was born; and, actually this may be more a new life resolution — travel more. Even if they are just mini-breaks like the ones taken by Favorite Associate, who used to hop across the pond like some of my friends take trips to NYC.

Of course, one thing I learned from Favorite Associate was that knowing an extra language is helpful when traveling abroad. That is why new year resolution number two is to finally learn French.

I bet a lot of you are wondering how you will be able to track how I am doing on these two resolutions if you see me out at a bar. It’s not as if you could walk by Public House and I will be wearing a beret and a pin that says: “Ask me about my latest trip abroad.” Okay, you might see me outside wearing a beret, but not the button. Still, you can ask me about my latest adventures in French, and if I respond in English that I haven’t had any yet, you can hit me on the side of my head.

I would love to write that my third is to stop judging others, but why set myself up to fail. Besides, if god didn’t want me to judge others, he wouldn’t have made me perfect (haters, you are welcome for that freebie).

I would like to start reading The New York Times everyday, or at least most of the NYT everyday, (of course I will be doing it online in keeping with my resolution to be more environmentally friendly). It may shock even some of my closest friends to learn that I don’t currently read the NYT everyday. That is because I often start conversations with, “Did anyone read that story in the Times today about . . .”

My friends have yet to respond, “oh yeah. . .” Which is why I can then go on to give the synopsis that someone else gave me earlier in the day.

Even as I start the conversation I feel bad about myself and how phony I am. And, much like last year and quitting smoking and starting running, instead of just coming clean, I am going to modify my behavior to make me the person I want to be.

Along that same line, I would also like to start waking up in the morning to give myself enough time to eat breakfast and read a paper. I would like to stop negotiating portions of my morning routine in order to sleep an additional seven minutes at a time.

So, did any of my readers or haters make any resolutions? Care to share?