October 26, 2007

And In This Corner

Posted in Office Hijinks at 5:40 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

So, there I was, sitting in a teambuilding retreat, listening to thinly-veiled insults fly around our safe harbor.  In front of us, the moderator desperately tried to keep us on task.  Maybe it was the “thinking outside the box” theme or maybe I just have a lot of pent up aggression, but while my co-workers brainstormed about our core values, I wondered if a single elimination, Royal Rumble style brawl, wouldn’t be a more efficient use of our time.

And because I am quite possibly the most competitive person in the world, I started to wonder how I would fare in such a fight.

Among my co-workers, we have a few moms, and let me tell you: moms are tough.  In particular, we have one mom whose son is a hockey player and her husband is a marine.  Looking across at her, I was pretty sure that unless she tapped out early, not wanting to spend an afternoon in the ER and miss picking her son up at the hospital, she could kick my butt. 

Maybe instead of an all out brawl, it would make more sense to have teams, our office versus another office.  This would put One Tough Mother, along with many of the other mothers on my team, and help us work out the inter-officer rivalries that seemed to be brewing.  

Sitting near One Tough Mother was my office archrival/bizzaro/nemesis, Angel.  Of the people in the room, I think we could use this opportunity to fight the most.  Unfortunately, if we broke it down by offices, we would be on a team together.    This is when it occurred to me that Angel and I could be an undercard fight to the main event – New Boss versus the tag-team duo, His Two Bosses.   And we could sell admission and the proceeds could go to charity or maybe we could buy a frozen yogurt machine for the break room. 

I wondered if after Angel and I fought we would become our own tag team duo, like the way enemies often become friends on the WWE.  Maybe at this fight she would break a chair over my back, but at the next firm fight, I would slide her a wooden chair to break over someone else’s. 

It occurred to me, as I doodled costumes for Angel and I, contemplating whether or not we should go with knee high boots, that there could be a real market for my anti-teambuilding retreat program.  What if, instead of sitting in a room saying, “I don’t feel appreciated enough,” you could just pop the boss that didn’t give you a big enough bonus in the gut?  Instead of whining about a lack of respect, punch in the throat the partner that always calls at 4:50 on a Friday night. 

Sure, I may have to take some precautions, like padded rooms, or those puffed-up, Sumo costumes, to reduce the number of injuries.  It may also be hard to get insurance for this start-up, but it has to be more effective than sitting there not saying what you are really feeling. 

At the very end of the day, after the hugs the tears and the Kumbaya circle, our moderator asked that we all announce what we will take away from the day.  A lot of people promised to be better communicators.  Angel said she was going to respect her co-workers (and then turned to me and mouthed “except you.”) When it was my turn, without hesitation I let everyone know that I am only pretty sure that in a fair fight, one-on-one, I could take on anyone in the room. 

What, she said there were no wrong answers.

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9 Comments »

  1. Please Wake Me Up said,

    Reading this column is as if someone as put a sleeper-hold on me. Boring to no end.

  2. Betsy said,

    Dear Please Wake Me Up (aka Ass),
    Shut up and go away.
    I know you can’t help it that your life sucks but must you really unleash your hateful venom on a blog that doesn’t even belong to you? Are you really that big of a freak?
    Let me guess, you think being hateful and mean is really cool; especially because you can do it anonymously?
    Here’s an idea. Why don’t you start your own blog so I can read it and tell you how boring and you are? Oh wait, I can already tell by your comment- You are boring. Now run along and play in traffic.

  3. Pioneering said,

    I look forward to your blog to break up my crazy days! Thank you for making me laugh, again and again.

  4. Please Wake Me Up said,

    Take some Zoloft, Betsy. Or better yet, maybe find a boyfriend. Blogs are public forums – if you haven’t realized that. And wishing injury or death on someone- real classy dame you must be.

  5. Betsy said,

    Please Kick My Ass, I mean, Please Wake Me Up.

    What’s the matter? Sperm retention headache?

    Posting hateful garbage anonymously is the equivalent to cowardice. At least I post my name and not some clever alias.

  6. Paralegal Rich said,

    Meooooowwww! Nothing like a good cat fight! You go girls!

  7. Please Wake Me Up said,

    Thanks, ‘Betsy’. You think my alias is a clever one. I am flattered by your compliment. 🙂 See, we have found common ground.

  8. Millie said,

    Betsy is a fat girl’s name.

  9. Betsy said,

    Ha! Yeah, “Millie” sounds waifish!


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