October 8, 2007

Single White Devil Seeks Cohort

Posted in Blog Backlash, Lawyer Lifestyles at 5:00 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

It seems I am running out of excuses as to why I am still single. And since learning that Peyton Manning is married, I figured it was time to do something about it. Okay, so I am putting a bit of a spin on that. Really, after getting the job and the new place, I saw the wagons circling, and at some point on vacation, my mom must have marked me with a special ink as it seems I can’t walk to the subway without someone trying to fix me up.

Now, being fixed up by friends is quite possibly the worst thing ever. There is really no better way to learn what your friends really think of you than by agreeing to let them fix you up. In addition to coming face-to-face with your blind date, you also get to see just how desperate your friends think you must be.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I decided to Internet date. But, almost as if my readers could read my iMac’s mind, before I could post a profile, I started receiving some very flirtatious emails from male readers of this blog.

And as I weeded out the crazies and the otherwise un-dateables, I started to wonder how many of these guys have read my whole blog or just read in the Legal that I am suddenly without a steady booty call.

I came to this conclusion after the 47 thousandth married man came forth about his relationship status. Umm, I am only pretty sure I have made myself pretty clear on a married man’s chances of dating me; the words snowball and hell come to mind. Also understand that I won’t date anyone in a serious relationship. And, yes, this includes those of you who have a girlfriend, but aren’t really sure that you’re still into her. Figure all of that out and then call me, or rather, email me. Not before

As for the rest of my rules as to who I will and won’t date – sure, they are pretty spread out and I don’t pay attention to all of them all of the time and if I were online dating, I would have them all in a neat little profile with a catchy headline. So I decided to put it all here. The minimum requirements you should have before sending me an email asking me out on a date.

* You and I will not get along if you voted for George W. in 2004. Even if you think you have a really good reason for doing so, great. I still don’t want to hear it.

* Something I would like to hear (read)? Your full name. After 11 years, I think I can say it, I’m a city girl. I am always concerned for my safety and if I can’t Google search you, then I grow suspicious that you are either a) an Internet predator or b) married. Either way, I will not meet you out for a drink.

* I would also like to read that you didn’t wrestle in high school, never lived in Michigan and hate the NY Giants and the New England Patriots.

Now, Lauren has a great rule about not dating any man whose jeans she could not wear. As she would explain, if ever you are in bed with the one you love (or like enough to let them see you naked) and a fire breaks out, you don’t need the embarrassment, not to mention waste of precious time, accidentally grabbing your boyfriend’s jeans and finding you can’t get into them. I think this is a great rule, but not one I necessarily subscribe to. I do however have a height requirement. I need you to be at least 6 feet tall. I have a lot of heels that I love. I have loved them before I met you and I will continue to love them when you don’t call me after our first date.

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17 Comments »

  1. Lauren said,

    I cannot believe you printed my rule in detail! You are lucky I love you Devil! Oh, and this one is my new fav.

  2. Frank said,

    I just don’t understand how there’s any room in your life for a man when stroking your own ego seems to take up most of your time.

  3. Very good point, Frank. This is precisely why I need to meet the perfect guy the first time around. I really don’t have time to date “runners-up.”

  4. Jenifer said,

    What is it with the crazies feeling the need to write hateful messages?
    I just don’t get it.
    Kids, I hate to point out the obvious but the Devil isn’t writing material that is going to change the world. Her work, as much as I adore her, isn’t scripture- its brain candy, people. Fun, light, humorous candy for your brain. A distraction from a long day.

    Frank, I suggest that you take a nice, hot bath. Perhaps light a candle, have a glass of wine, relax, maybe poop…you’ll feel better.

  5. Candyman said,

    Umm…brain candy, Jenifer? More like novacaine – the Devil’s whines are mind-numbing. And I hardly think Frank is a hateful crazy. He’s making an observation – no different than you or me.

  6. Jenifer said,

    Candyman,
    If it is so mind-numbing why are you reading it?

  7. Frank said,

    Jenifer, try wearing looser underwear or check to make sure your thong isn’t on backwards. I’m entitled to my opinion just as the Devil is to hers. I actually enjoy her musings, but sometimes they’re a little “Enough about me, what do you think about me??”

  8. Candyman said,

    D’uh, Jenifer, I read it to numb my mind.

  9. A in the Hated State of Michigan said,

    I think maybe Frank voted for GW. His disent reaks of rejection.

  10. Frank said,

    A in the HSOF,

    The two misspelled words in your post would lead one to believe that perhaps it was YOU who voted for G-Dub.

  11. Bemused said,

    I think the comment postings are more entertaining than the blog!

  12. Dave said,

    Why do so many young female writers fall under the “Sex And The City” delusion that their boring lives are interesting to people outside of their small circle of friends? Is anyone original anymore? I mean, you can’t even name your blog without ripping off something else!

    There are two kinds of people who have read or seen The Devil Wears Prada–those who work in magazines and those who desperately wish they worked in magazines but know they never will. I think we know in which camp you reside. But hey, keep sending those query letters to Cosmo and Glamour. I’m sure they’ll get you far.

  13. Millie said,

    Dave, that was awesome!

    Her sense of entitlement never ceases to amaze me.

  14. ben franklin said,

    Dave: by any chance, are you short and from Detroit? Maybe even a wrestler who voted for W? That would explain a lot.

  15. Dave said,

    Ben Franklin:

    Um…no, no, and no.

  16. Betsy said,

    I love Ben!

    Personally, I think Frank, Bemused, Candyman and Dave are all the same Wrestlemaniacs!

  17. Mac said,

    Hmm, let’s see, you don’t like wrestlers, but you like football…you won’t cheat with a married man or someone involved, but seem to seduce plenty of them who want into your pants…and you want to fit into a 6-foot-tall-guy’s jeans, but you want to see him on a skateboard?

    Your Narcissism Index says “Just give in and go to law school already”.


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