October 26, 2007

And In This Corner

Posted in Office Hijinks at 5:40 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

So, there I was, sitting in a teambuilding retreat, listening to thinly-veiled insults fly around our safe harbor.  In front of us, the moderator desperately tried to keep us on task.  Maybe it was the “thinking outside the box” theme or maybe I just have a lot of pent up aggression, but while my co-workers brainstormed about our core values, I wondered if a single elimination, Royal Rumble style brawl, wouldn’t be a more efficient use of our time.

And because I am quite possibly the most competitive person in the world, I started to wonder how I would fare in such a fight.

Among my co-workers, we have a few moms, and let me tell you: moms are tough.  In particular, we have one mom whose son is a hockey player and her husband is a marine.  Looking across at her, I was pretty sure that unless she tapped out early, not wanting to spend an afternoon in the ER and miss picking her son up at the hospital, she could kick my butt. 

Maybe instead of an all out brawl, it would make more sense to have teams, our office versus another office.  This would put One Tough Mother, along with many of the other mothers on my team, and help us work out the inter-officer rivalries that seemed to be brewing.  

Sitting near One Tough Mother was my office archrival/bizzaro/nemesis, Angel.  Of the people in the room, I think we could use this opportunity to fight the most.  Unfortunately, if we broke it down by offices, we would be on a team together.    This is when it occurred to me that Angel and I could be an undercard fight to the main event – New Boss versus the tag-team duo, His Two Bosses.   And we could sell admission and the proceeds could go to charity or maybe we could buy a frozen yogurt machine for the break room. 

I wondered if after Angel and I fought we would become our own tag team duo, like the way enemies often become friends on the WWE.  Maybe at this fight she would break a chair over my back, but at the next firm fight, I would slide her a wooden chair to break over someone else’s. 

It occurred to me, as I doodled costumes for Angel and I, contemplating whether or not we should go with knee high boots, that there could be a real market for my anti-teambuilding retreat program.  What if, instead of sitting in a room saying, “I don’t feel appreciated enough,” you could just pop the boss that didn’t give you a big enough bonus in the gut?  Instead of whining about a lack of respect, punch in the throat the partner that always calls at 4:50 on a Friday night. 

Sure, I may have to take some precautions, like padded rooms, or those puffed-up, Sumo costumes, to reduce the number of injuries.  It may also be hard to get insurance for this start-up, but it has to be more effective than sitting there not saying what you are really feeling. 

At the very end of the day, after the hugs the tears and the Kumbaya circle, our moderator asked that we all announce what we will take away from the day.  A lot of people promised to be better communicators.  Angel said she was going to respect her co-workers (and then turned to me and mouthed “except you.”) When it was my turn, without hesitation I let everyone know that I am only pretty sure that in a fair fight, one-on-one, I could take on anyone in the room. 

What, she said there were no wrong answers.

October 8, 2007

Single White Devil Seeks Cohort

Posted in Blog Backlash, Lawyer Lifestyles at 5:00 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

It seems I am running out of excuses as to why I am still single. And since learning that Peyton Manning is married, I figured it was time to do something about it. Okay, so I am putting a bit of a spin on that. Really, after getting the job and the new place, I saw the wagons circling, and at some point on vacation, my mom must have marked me with a special ink as it seems I can’t walk to the subway without someone trying to fix me up.

Now, being fixed up by friends is quite possibly the worst thing ever. There is really no better way to learn what your friends really think of you than by agreeing to let them fix you up. In addition to coming face-to-face with your blind date, you also get to see just how desperate your friends think you must be.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I decided to Internet date. But, almost as if my readers could read my iMac’s mind, before I could post a profile, I started receiving some very flirtatious emails from male readers of this blog.

And as I weeded out the crazies and the otherwise un-dateables, I started to wonder how many of these guys have read my whole blog or just read in the Legal that I am suddenly without a steady booty call.

I came to this conclusion after the 47 thousandth married man came forth about his relationship status. Umm, I am only pretty sure I have made myself pretty clear on a married man’s chances of dating me; the words snowball and hell come to mind. Also understand that I won’t date anyone in a serious relationship. And, yes, this includes those of you who have a girlfriend, but aren’t really sure that you’re still into her. Figure all of that out and then call me, or rather, email me. Not before

As for the rest of my rules as to who I will and won’t date – sure, they are pretty spread out and I don’t pay attention to all of them all of the time and if I were online dating, I would have them all in a neat little profile with a catchy headline. So I decided to put it all here. The minimum requirements you should have before sending me an email asking me out on a date.

* You and I will not get along if you voted for George W. in 2004. Even if you think you have a really good reason for doing so, great. I still don’t want to hear it.

* Something I would like to hear (read)? Your full name. After 11 years, I think I can say it, I’m a city girl. I am always concerned for my safety and if I can’t Google search you, then I grow suspicious that you are either a) an Internet predator or b) married. Either way, I will not meet you out for a drink.

* I would also like to read that you didn’t wrestle in high school, never lived in Michigan and hate the NY Giants and the New England Patriots.

Now, Lauren has a great rule about not dating any man whose jeans she could not wear. As she would explain, if ever you are in bed with the one you love (or like enough to let them see you naked) and a fire breaks out, you don’t need the embarrassment, not to mention waste of precious time, accidentally grabbing your boyfriend’s jeans and finding you can’t get into them. I think this is a great rule, but not one I necessarily subscribe to. I do however have a height requirement. I need you to be at least 6 feet tall. I have a lot of heels that I love. I have loved them before I met you and I will continue to love them when you don’t call me after our first date.