August 16, 2007

Vacation’s Over – Bring on the Brownies

Posted in Lawyer Lifestyles, Office Hijinks at 11:34 am by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

There are two main problems with my new dream job. The first is the people I work with; they are obscenely normal. Not Stepford Wives normal but very normal nonetheless. No one is emotionally or verbally abusive, I have yet to meet anyone who could turn a child to stone with his grin. None of my new co-workers obsess over the latest missing person reports on CNN nor am I worried that when two particular co-workers are conferring quietly in a corner that they are secretly plotting to take over the world. And I have yet to meet anyone that eats their hair.

All of this is great for me personally. I finally work with a group of people that I can invite to a bar-b-cue without worrying about how to not to invite the crazies. However it makes blog material hard to come by. I sincerely hope that this is all part of the honeymoon phase and once my probation is over, they will start to show their true, binder-clip-hoarding-because-what-if-the-supply-room-runs-out-and-the-company-stops-making-them-and-then-what-will-I-use-to-hold-back-my-hair selves.

It’s that or I will have to stir up some trouble.

The second problem with the land of milk and honey is all the milk and all the honey. With all the birthdays, anniversaries, visiting dignitaries, catered lunches and just lunches order in for the heck of it, rarely do two days in a row pass without someone poking his or her head into the office and announcing that there is some high calorie, high fat, ridiculously delicious food in the kitchen.

This is awesome. That is, if you don’t have any plans to appear in front of my mother and my aunt in a bikini. I, of course, did; all of last week while I was in North Carolina on vacation with my family. I have no problem equating my struggle with staying away from the delicatessen sandwiches and the doughnuts and the salads made with mayonnaise the last couple of days before my vacation to climbing Mount Everest or surviving for nine days at the bottom of a ravine with only the water you were able to make by melting snow.

So on Monday, as my mother was slathering on the sun protection factor, when Aunt commented on mine and Sister’s athletic builds, and then added, “But you also like to eat” I clenched my jaw and glowered in her general direction.

I knew she didn’t really mean to offend me, and it is true, I do like to eat. At the same time I wanted to defend myself. I also run – a lot. And, I felt like pointing out, Matt and Meredith were telling me just the week prior that obesity can be blamed on your friends and acquaintances and I would even go so far as say co-workers as well and maybe if I worked where Sister worked I would be uber-skinny too.

Instead I just smiled and patted her on her head. Aunt is really short and so when I can’t say what it is that I am thinking I sometimes like to remind her that if I wanted to, I could crush her.

However, my saint-like devotion to Slim Fast and my ability to just say no to everything from brownies to cookies to gummy worms (okay I’ll admit it, I had one gummy worm) paid-off. No, I wasn’t nearly as skinny as Sister or Future Sister-in-Law. But I was able to resist the temptation of the bags of kettle cooked chips and the six pounds of fudge that sat on the kitchen counter most of the week. And when everyone else claimed to not have had any of Daddy’s Double Stuffed Oreos, as he stood there holding the empty bag, I was the only one telling the truth. And telling the truth just feels good.

Of course, I had opted to numb my sudden onset of body dysmorphic disorder with tequila. Who wants a cookie when you can have a margarita?


1 Comment »

  1. D. Crane said,

    this was worthless.

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