April 19, 2007

Sound Off. One. Two.

Posted in Public Service Announcement at 5:38 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

 As those of you who read last week’s column know, I am currently trying to complete my high school’s service hour requirements so I can once and for all feel good about graduating.  (For those of you who didn’t catch last week’s column but wish to do so, check out www.younglawyeronline.com)

So, this weekend I was sitting around trying to figure out just how I could be of use to my community. Coming up with zeroes I decided to pop over to Craigslist as it is my favorite form of procrastination. I read through the missed connections, always my first stop, when I came across a post that could have been about me.

And not just because I am a narcissist but because the majority of those posts are so purposefully vague they could be about anyone.

I thought about responding. The post reminded me of a boy I used to have feelings for and I guess it was more I wanted the post to be from him than for it to be about me. I thought about what I would say in response. It has been so long and I have had so many feelings that my initial reaction was to ask him what right he had after all these years.

But then it hit me, I was actually okay. I wasn’t angry or hurt anymore. I was confused, but really I had gotten over the fact that I was never going to know what the heck really happened a long time ago.

And then reality sunk in and I remember this post wasn’t from him. I have a very vivid fantasy life.

Still, I had this whole thing to say and no one to say it to. Which is when it occurred to me, if I, a person who has a real problem not saying exactly what she is thinking at the exact moment she is thinking it, has all these leftover things to get off her chest, I bet there are others out there, just as desperate for a sounding board.

So, in an effort to spread goodwill and clear up any debt to society I may owe, I am offering this page to you to tell whomever, whatever.

Here, I will go first.

I’m okay. I wasn’t at first. I was confused and then angry and then crazy and then desperate (and maybe those last two are one in the same) for a while. And then there was a time when all I wanted was an answer as to why. But I got over that as well. The truth is, I don’t want to know why because it may be that it was all just lies and you were just using me and if that is the case, then that ruins you for me. And I don’t want you ruined. I don’t want to have to hate you. Because you are a part of who I am today. And for that I am grateful.

Okay, now your turn. Let ’em have it; whether it is a former flame, your current significant other or your miserable boss. And don’t worry about them ever seeing it. The only other person who ever actually reads this page is my mom and she’s not going to tell.

April 16, 2007

What Do You Love?

Posted in Office Hijinks at 10:55 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

We lost another associate last week. She was our first in 2007 which is bad if we hope to break our record of 6 in 2006, but I digress.

I think the problem with this latest casualty was she had nothing to lose by leaving. She was young, rented a place and didn’t have any expensive hobbies or habits to keep her coming back. She had this job and that was it. When she could no longer take this job, she left. I know, because I was once like Dot-Your-Eye-With-A-Heart-Associate. But then I developed an expensive pocketbook obsession and it has been 40+ hour weeks for me since.

Now, if I were on the hiring committee, one of the first questions I would ask would be what their vices are and if this has caused them a significant amount of debt. After all, nobody will work as hard as a first year who has to repay a gambling debt or risk two broken knee caps.

It may be illegal or unethical to ask those sorts of questions, so maybe something along the line of what do you like to do in your free time should be asked. For instance, if a woman says she runs to relieve stress, well she can run anywhere, any time and as far as a hobby, it is a pretty cheap one. She could get a job delivering papers and still be able to afford to run. Now if she says she loves golf; well now there is a nice and expensive past-time. Plus you can use her to fill out client/partner foursomes.

Unfortunately they don’t ask me to interview candidates any more because I focus too much on each person’s hair and shoes. And well, I have a tendency to make faces, but never on purpose. Remember I have that affliction.

I think to make it in this business you have to have something you love to cling to and remember why you put up with everything you do. For about 1% of you, that one thing is the law and you don’t give the crap you endure a second thought. For the rest of you, you will need to look outside the office for the reason why you are here.

My favorite associate loves art and travel; both habits are expensive enough to keep him working. Although, they also take him away from his desk quite a bit which may keep him from making partner, a fact he doesn’t seem to mind. If you want to make partner, travel is not the addiction for you.

New Associate has a new wife and a new house and a new baby on the way. I imagine when he is at his wits’ end he pulls out the black and white ultrasound photo of his wife’s belly and remembers the mortgage payments and goes back to work. His is a love and work ethic that makes shareholders cry.

So next time you are sitting in the office, after almost everyone else has gone home, waiting for the partner to review the brief you wrote two weeks ago, that is due 4 hours from now, you can email your friends to remind them of the upcoming ski weekend in Vail. Or when you are entering time, and that feeling of dread washes over you as you realize all the better, nobler things you could be doing with your .1s and .2s, remember the Prada heels you have already picked out to purchase when you visit Florence next spring.

For me, whenever the urge comes on to have my mom fax my high school transcript that would prove once and for all that I am not mentally challenged (I took AP calculus for heaven’s sake), I roll my eyes and remember it will all make good blog fodder. Because the thing I love is writing and by writing I mean people telling me I am a wonderful writer.

And by wonderful I really just mean funny.