February 15, 2007

Valentine’s Day Massacre

Posted in Public Service Announcement at 8:23 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

As many of you know, I started 2007 wanting to change myself for the better.  So far, it has been a resounding success.  Still, I feel a little empty inside and have decided I want to do something for humanity. This is why I have chosen to take on the government, the calendar making industry and yes, Hallmark.  I am freeing this world of Valentine’s Day. 

I had contemplated taking on SEPTA and their utter lack of service, but that just proved to be too hard.  I mean, who wants to boycott when the wind chill factor has the thermometer dipping below zero?

I also thought about using my keen fashion sense to help makeover the less fortunate.  However, I was reminded (by my sister) that no one leaves the house in the morning thinking they look terrible thus my ambush techniques may be less than welcomed. 

So after crossing SEPTA and bad dressers off my list of what ails me, the solution was clear.  I have to rid the world of Valentine’s Day. 

Trust me, this is not just for the singles out there, but for all mankind, especially men.  This holiday is the worst for you.  You are the ones with all the pressure to perform; to get the perfect gift and deliver it in the most romantic setting possible.  You are the ones that all the advertisements for jewelry, flowers, candy and lingerie are directed towards.  Even those of you who will get gifts from your significant others, chances are she will outdo you every time.  Women are just better gift-givers.  We are capable of a level of selfishness you will never be able to comprehend.

But women in relationships, this will benefit you too.  Picture this: you are out at a very romantic dinner at your favorite restaurant, you stare lovingly into the eyes of the man that you think you could spend the rest of your life with, when he reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out an envelope.  He slides it across the table.  You immediately recognize the size and shape.  You look up, your eyes gleaming, your lips parted in anticipation.  How did he know that you wanted tickets to the Justin Timberlake show?  You never mentioned it to him; you thought he would make fun of you.  Plus, it is a sold-out show, so this gift must have cost him a small fortune.

You tear open the envelope and find – four tickets to the Phillies’ home opener.  Your body involuntarily falls and he immediately starts to plead his case.  “But you love going to baseball games with your girlfriends.” 

And he is right.  I mean since the addition of Chase Utley, what girl doesn’t like spending an evening in Citizen’s Bank Park?  Every time you can get your firm’s tickets you email the same three girls and make a night out of it.  Still, even if this is the Fightin’ Phils’ year (again), it’s not the gift you expected as he slid that envelop towards you. 

Removing this holiday from our lives will alleviate the inevitable disappointment you feel each and every year because you are not with one of the six men that can get this holiday right.  For those of you who received a Vermont Teddy Bear, you are more disappointed than most. 

Oh, and for the record, those six men change every year, so just because you had one this year, does not mean you will still be with him in 2008.  It could just as easily be you next year, developing frown lines as you look down at a rose dipped in gold. 
 
I recognize that this removal could be a huge blow to the flower, candy and card industries.  That is why I am suggesting we replace it, with Friendship Day, which I believe is “celebrated” in early August.  I mean, really, doesn’t August deserve a holiday?  February already has President’s Day. 

And since everyone has at least one friend, no one is left out.  Even better, from a sales perspective, most people have a lot of friends, so sales could be triple; even quadruple those on February 14th.  Just imagine, desks filed with yellow roses and Gerbera daisies, silver and gold best friend charm bracelets and BYOBs packed with large groups, all laughing and sharing and spending money. 

I imagine as years past, this holiday grows in popularity and my genius for redirecting our attention to it becomes legendary, the U.S. Government may even see fit to move it to my birthday and make it a dual celebration.  And while I am harboring delusions of grandeur, I want them to make it an “observed” holiday, so that everyone can get a three-day weekend for my birthday, err Friendship Day. 

Who’s with me?

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2 Comments »

  1. bill cluck said,

    sarah

    cheer up, it could have been four sixers tickets or four flyers tickets.

  2. Angie Welch said,

    Your blog is on the very high level and includes a lot of very interesting information and was very useful for me.


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