January 4, 2007

Be the First in Your Firm to Own the Amazing Law Wash

Posted in Happy Hour, Office Hijinks at 6:31 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

We lost another associate today.

Personally, I don’t think it is our firm particularly or even any one partner (cough – Mr. Scares the Pants Off of Me) specifically.  No, instead I blame television and the movies.  They make the legal industry look so suave and sophisticated and intelligent and in some cases hot.  But the cruel reality is it isn’t really any of those things; at least not litigation.

I was out with a friend for happy hour when we met this young guy.  He asked me what I did for a living and I responded, “I work with a law firm.” 

He asked what sort of law.

“Litigation,” I answered.

His reply:  “Wow, so you get to duke it out in a courtroom.  That’s hot.”

My first thought, clearly this guy is not a lawyer.  One – saying I work for a law firm is code for I am an assistant or a paralegal, but not an attorney; and two – even if I were an associate I am much too young to actually do anything in a courtroom and three – who dukes anything out anymore?  I mean, isn’t that what litigation is for? 

Suitor suffered from LA Law syndrome.  He really thought we were all young and hot, and thanks to Ally McBeal, inappropriately dressed.  That we went into courtrooms every day and always fought for the betterment of all.  He doesn’t realize that most attorneys, young and old alike, spend their days on the Internet researching, reading through discovery, or drafting highly technical and mechanical (read: boring) motions. 

However, in fairness to Suitor, when he told me he was a doctor my mind immediately filled with thoughts of ER, Grey’s Anatomy and, gasp, General Hospital. 

But back to my theory; I wonder how many of these kids are warned in law school and choose not to listen.  I imagine they go to law school thinking they will be saving the world, when most will only get to save major corporations a couple of bucks.  Law practices are ugly and leave you with a coat of grime long after you have exited the office.  And a lot of the young and naïve get weighed down and eventually suffocate under all the dirt, becoming tired, miserable partners.  Or they leave for what they hope will be cleaner pastures. 

This is why my boss, my favorite associate and I have put into development the Law Wash (patent pending). 

One part dry cleaner, one part decontamination unit, the law wash can be installed just inside the front door of any residence.  The first small chamber would be the wash; a series on six to ten high powered showerheads that would rinse away your day, right down the drain installed in the floor.   You would then step into the next room where high powered heat lamps and blowers would dry you off completely. 

We are hoping to launch this gadget in time for the 2007 holiday season.  Also coming soon, our one room model and the fully adjustable model, with settings for “easy day at the office” where you would only be misted with an antibacterial spray to the “sold your soul” mode where, using a specialize hydrochloric acid isotope, the clothes would literally be burned right off your back while causing you no physical harm.



  1. Layne said,

    Thanks for sharing your ideas on the “Law Wash”. I worked in a government job where I thought we could save the world and raise the standard of living for all our fair citizens. Ha.
    May I make a suggestion to your law wash? After your daily wash you step out fresh as a daisy and the machine hands you a martini or any other drug of your choice which allows you to forget all shame and wake up to a fresh new world again!
    Thanks for sharing.

  2. adjouff said,

    hmmmm…very interesting!
    Thanks google

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