December 7, 2006

Young, Single Attorney Seeks Same

Posted in Office Hijinks at 5:00 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

In his most recent effort to keep me stimulated from 9 to 5, my boss asked me to re-write attorney biographies for our firm’s new Web site.  While I appreciate his good intentions, I don’t really consider figuring out 72 different ways to say “so and so is licensed in Pennsylvania” the best use of my creative talent. 

The other problem with this task is the limited amount of information available about most of the attorneys in the office.  Most don’t volunteer anything more than where they went to school and where they are admitted to practice. 

But marketing our firm is important to my boss.  So I buckled down and got to work; except I didn’t know what should go into an attorney profile. What are perspective clients looking for beyond education and bar admissions? Publications and lectures or personal information and hobbies?   I decided to do some investigation. I checked out the Web sites of other firms that pay big bucks to public relation firms to do this work. 

Somewhere between the fifteenth and sixteenth Web site I viewed, I became convinced that a) firm Web sites are great ways to check out hot men and b) clients don’t actually read attorney profiles. 

Combining these two revelations, I wondered if it wouldn’t be a better idea to turn our firm’s site more into a dating site.  I mean, can what a person looks for in a litigator be that different from what they are looking for in a mate?  Well, that and I was bored out of my mind and making up personal profiles was a heck of a lot more fun. 

You guys know how much I like making up things. 

After entertaining myself for two days, I presented the new and improved biographies to my boss.  He was not pleased, although he did laugh out loud at what I had to say about the firm’s oldest, living member. 

There went my theory that nobody read these things and any hope of getting this stuff posted to the new and improved site.  Still, I couldn’t let my efforts go to waste.  So I included examples of what I have been doing at work this week below:

Mr. X is admitted to practice in Pennsylvania and when he is not at work he enjoys long walks on the beach, cuddling up with a good book next to a fire and French style cooking.

Ms. B graduated from the University of Notre Dame. She earned her JD from West Virginia University College of Law. When the Fighting Irish battle the Mighty Mountaineers on the gridiron, Ms. B refuses to take sides. 

Mr. G attended Duquesne University for undergrad. His number one pet peeve, is people who cannot pronounce the name of his undergraduate institution. 

Chortlette is the ranking Quiz King of the firm as he can tell you everything you would want to know about absolutely nothing at all. And even stuff you don’t want to know.

Partner A in the firm’s Orlando office doesn’t hold any particular opinion as to whether or not the Florida alligator should be named a protected species; however she does enjoy a mock-crock pocketbook as much as the next gal.

Our oldest living member has been with the firm since Christ wore short pants. As such, he only has to come in once a month or so –he is that good. He earned his B.S. from the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania and his Juris Doctorate from Harvard University Law School. When the other partners are especially good, he lets them touch his degrees. 

A partner with the firm’s Allentown Office believes he could go the rest of his life without hearing someone sing “Allentown” by Billy Joel, to him, again. Sarah E. Klem seconds that motion. 

Oh, and feel free to use any of these quips in your own attorney or dating profile.  All I ask is that I be mentioned in the toast at the wedding.



  1. Nora said,

    Love, love, love this post! It’s so funny! I think that you should be rewarded by being allowed to touch the oldest partners degrees.

  2. Legal Annie said,

    Hilarious post!

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