October 27, 2006

It’s Hard to Win the Marriage Race in Platform Heels and a Pencil Skirt

Posted in Happy Hour, Office Hijinks at 3:49 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

For the past two years my friends and I have gathered for a pub crawl themed “Dive Bar Dayload.” We dress in trashy outfits, we load up on carbohydrates and we take a tour of the city’s skuzziest bars in broad daylight (for the most part).

At bar three, wearing a t-shirt that said “I Look Better Naked” in the middle of a conversation about college football with her husband, a friend turned to me and said, “How is it you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Times like these, my instincts tell me to answer such questions with equally ridiculous responses such as, “Well, I don’t really like to talk about it, but I have a little penis and it is really hard to find a guy that is okay with it.”

However, in this instance I knew my friend’s heart was in the right place. She wasn’t some creep fishing for what is wrong with me.

The truth is it is really hard to chase down a dream, find time for family and friends, workout, keep up with current events and fashion trends all while maintaining a full time job. My schedule leaves very little time for finding and capturing Mr. Right.

Now, beyond the whole having to stay at work until after all of my friends are good and toasted on Friday nights because we only knew about this filing for 40 days now, there are other reasons why working in this law firm and finding a boyfriend is near impossible.

For instance, my boss and other male co-workers often criticize the men I date, having not even met them. From their job, to their name, they will find something that makes them not good enough.

Sure, sometimes they have a point – like maybe a twenty year old was too young for me. But, once that seed is planted, it is like ivy growing on brick — you can’t pull it down without damaging the structure.

The other problem with mixing business and pleasure is the attire. Now I know every woman’s magazine out there has suggestions on how to take your work look from day into evening but has any ever tried these recommendations? I did, and was met with a barrage of comments that left my cheeks pink most of the day. My favorite was a co-worker telling me I looked like I was on a mission to get lucky.

And, yeah, sure I was, but not in the office.

So there it is: the number one reason why I am still single. Sure there are other reasons as well. I am really picky and afraid of commitment and have a series of ridiculous and arbitrary rules that I adhere to religiously. I also hang out with friends that all have strong opinions and personalities like me. Few and far between are the guys that are willing and able to approach such a group. The ones that try, if left alone for too long, could be eaten alive if they can’t hold their own.

But it isn’t all bad, working here. Just the other Friday, Mr. Scares the Pants Off of Me bought the girls and me our first round out. This of course made me wonder if Mr. Scares the Pants Off of Me is really a decent guy, or just scared to death of my mother, who will kill if I am not married off soon.



  1. Captain Commoner said,

    I’ll admit I’ve never tried to get ivy out of brick before — is it really that difficult?

  2. Sarah said,

    I lived in a house in Fitler Square that was covered in ivy. I tried pulling it down, after getting a portion of the way through the project I determined the ivy was actually holding the house together.

  3. Layne said,

    Are you kidding? RIP THE F—–G IVY off the F——G WALL!!! It is only a brick veneer and doesn’t touch the structure at all. What I’m trying to say is…
    get out there and meet people lots of people and have FUN. Your main objective for each work week is to to plan or divise the greatest fun and activities for next weekend! Never close your mind to new experiances or new people. Give those diamonds in the rough a closer look! Hey, I would have never thought kayaking, outdoor sports, and hiking was me, but my diamond has opened my eyes and it has made all the difference!

    Oh yea. If some creep makes a slur about your great appearance at the office, lean in real close and say in a hush tone. “I will ignore that harassing statement just this one time.” It worked like a charm for me.

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