October 27, 2006

It’s Hard to Win the Marriage Race in Platform Heels and a Pencil Skirt

Posted in Happy Hour, Office Hijinks at 3:49 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

For the past two years my friends and I have gathered for a pub crawl themed “Dive Bar Dayload.” We dress in trashy outfits, we load up on carbohydrates and we take a tour of the city’s skuzziest bars in broad daylight (for the most part).

At bar three, wearing a t-shirt that said “I Look Better Naked” in the middle of a conversation about college football with her husband, a friend turned to me and said, “How is it you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Times like these, my instincts tell me to answer such questions with equally ridiculous responses such as, “Well, I don’t really like to talk about it, but I have a little penis and it is really hard to find a guy that is okay with it.”

However, in this instance I knew my friend’s heart was in the right place. She wasn’t some creep fishing for what is wrong with me.

The truth is it is really hard to chase down a dream, find time for family and friends, workout, keep up with current events and fashion trends all while maintaining a full time job. My schedule leaves very little time for finding and capturing Mr. Right.

Now, beyond the whole having to stay at work until after all of my friends are good and toasted on Friday nights because we only knew about this filing for 40 days now, there are other reasons why working in this law firm and finding a boyfriend is near impossible.

For instance, my boss and other male co-workers often criticize the men I date, having not even met them. From their job, to their name, they will find something that makes them not good enough.

Sure, sometimes they have a point – like maybe a twenty year old was too young for me. But, once that seed is planted, it is like ivy growing on brick — you can’t pull it down without damaging the structure.

The other problem with mixing business and pleasure is the attire. Now I know every woman’s magazine out there has suggestions on how to take your work look from day into evening but has any ever tried these recommendations? I did, and was met with a barrage of comments that left my cheeks pink most of the day. My favorite was a co-worker telling me I looked like I was on a mission to get lucky.

And, yeah, sure I was, but not in the office.

So there it is: the number one reason why I am still single. Sure there are other reasons as well. I am really picky and afraid of commitment and have a series of ridiculous and arbitrary rules that I adhere to religiously. I also hang out with friends that all have strong opinions and personalities like me. Few and far between are the guys that are willing and able to approach such a group. The ones that try, if left alone for too long, could be eaten alive if they can’t hold their own.

But it isn’t all bad, working here. Just the other Friday, Mr. Scares the Pants Off of Me bought the girls and me our first round out. This of course made me wonder if Mr. Scares the Pants Off of Me is really a decent guy, or just scared to death of my mother, who will kill if I am not married off soon.

October 19, 2006

Okay, Here’s the Plan

Posted in Office Hijinks at 6:25 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

Readers, I’m afraid. 

 

We live in very scary times when bigwigs in corporate America feel they can hire and fire a person because they have a unhealthy lifestyle in the name of reducing health care costs.  If the head honchos can dictate whether or not we smoke in our free time, how long until they start telling us what else we can or can’t do after five p.m.

Specifically, how long until they refuse to allow us to watch LOST in an effort to increase productivity on Thursday mornings. 

I forgot about it over the summer.  Every morning I came in, put my bag down said hello to the girls around me and then off to work.  But now that LOST is back, all that has changed. And it isn’t just about catching up with the two or three girls nearby.  One of the girls notoriously comes in late.  Sometimes we wait for her, but most times we just fill her in when she finally does show. 

After our short, early morning office chat, we are all off to our respective cubicles to research what each other said, check the chat lines, email other friends to see what they got.  By the time coffee break comes around, we need another pow wow. Meanwhile we are so caught up in what the significance is of Henry Gale aka Ben and Juliette being ex husband and wife that we don’t notice the Managing Partner walking by for the fourth time. 

But let me tell you, he noticed.  He noticed that we were standing around talking about people he has never heard of in situations he doesn’t recall receiving a summary on, and all the while phones are going unanswered. I suppose it would be almost excusable if it were just the assistants, but his third time by he counted associates in that group and his eyes went wide with dollar signs.  After all, I doubt he can bill ABC for the time spent figuring out who the kid in the other cage is.

This is why I am asking, damnit begging, that we take the necessary, proactive measures to keep management from taking our LOST away.  No, I am not about to suggest we self-correct and stop talking about LOST when we should be researching the Class Action Fairness Act.  Oh, no I’m talking undercover operations.

I’m telling you when you walk over to your friend’s office to find out if she was able to get anything off of the Hanso site, you bring a redwell with you.  Friend, make sure you have the LEXIS site up as well as the site with all the LOST theories. This may also be a good time for you to get in good with your IT department since they are the ones that are going to report any strange internet surfing.  Finally, if you must talk about the show in the open, use code names based on open and active files.

And don’t think for a minute that just because you don’t watch LOST this won’t affect you.  Because once they take LOST others will follow.  Soon you too will be outlawed from watching shows such as the Shield or 24.  No more American Idol or Amazing Race results to discuss.  No, all interesting and conversation-worthy TV will be banned and instead you will be forced to watch uninteresting, non-provocative programming like Fox News.

October 12, 2006

A Little Perspective Here People

Posted in Lessons Learned, Office Hijinks at 5:26 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

As you all know, our firm recently moved offices. As you may not know, I was named a Move Coordinator. The very same day I learned that I was being elevated to this position of more responsibility and grief — with no more compensation or prestige — my doctor told me she felt something irregular in my left breast. I’m 28 years old.

Suddenly, I was really glad to be a Move Coordinator, as all the chaos that surrounded the move distracted me from what could quite literally be eating me alive. It wasn’t until the firm’s first day of occupancy that I really had any time to be scared about it.

We were in the new space, almost completely moved in and I felt surrounded by people complaining. Some people didn’t have computers, some didn’t have printers and no one had e-mail or a working phone. Attorneys called to let me know that they didn’t like their computer set-up, didn’t like their office set-up, didn’t like their view or didn’t like where their files were. Everyone wanted something better or different.

And all I really wanted was to know that my relatively funny life wasn’t taking a serious Lifetime Television for Women turn. My appointment to find out what exactly was the irregularity was scheduled for that very same day.

The doctor confirmed what literally dozens of men have already told me: I have great tits. Okay, he said I have dense breast tissue, but they practically mean the same thing. He also said I was tumor-free.

Now, you would think that when I got back to the office I would be relieved. Skipping and smiling with my new devil-may-care attitude. But if you thought that, even for a second, then clearly this is the first time you are reading my blog.

Growing up, my mother was a hospice nurse. This made it a little difficult for my family to complain to her about certain miniscule events that were taking over our own lives. Because no matter how sad I was that the captain of the wrestling team dumped me, my mother always had a sadder story about some blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl my age dying of some horrible disease.

So when I got back to the office and an attorney informed me that he wanted his office rearranged because he didn’t like looking out at his secretary, I imagined myself smiling serenely, crinkling my nose and responding, “And people in hell want ice water.”

Later, when an assistant told me that her office set-up was perfect for a left-handed person, but she was right-handed, I wanted to open my eyes wide and tell her, “I just got back from an appointment where I learned I didn’t have cancer. Maybe you can change your set-up yourself.” And then shrug my shoulders and walk away.

Granted, not having external e-mails or phone calls sucks. It is inconvenient and problematic, but you know what is more problematic and inconvenient, dying. And over 40,000 women will die of breast cancer this year.

Admittedly, some of the views are lousy in the new space. And as a person who had a great view before and a lousy one now, you may feel less than loved by the powers that be at your office. But you know what else makes you feel less love? When a loved one dies. Whether it’s in a war or at the hands of a madman or from a horrible disease — losing a loved one means being loved that much less.

However, you will be happy to know I did not answer any of the complaints with these suggestions on perspective. I listened quietly, nodded slowly, smiled and wrote things on a legal pad.

But don’t get it in your head that this ability to filter my thoughts before they reach my mouth means I am growing as a person. I was judging these individuals the whole time and finding solace in the fact that I was a more evolved person.

That, and I knew it would all be great for the blog.

October 5, 2006

Last Week On “The Devil Wears Brooks Brothers”

Posted in Blog Backlash at 7:38 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

All week long I was stressed about what I was going to write for this week’s blog.  See, we are coming into the home stretch of our big move.  I am busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest and no one around me is doing anything interesting or funny.  Even the new girl’s outfits have been relatively tame.

 

Then last night, after trying to come up with anything to write about, I gave up, flicked on the television and found a repeat of Friends. 

 

Lauren, my roommate, sat down next to me and said, “What’s with all the flashbacks? I hate when they do this.  It’s like they couldn’t come up with anything to write about this week.”

 

Eureka.

 

Don’t worry readers, I won’t bore you with highlights of what I thought were the funniest moments from the blog.  Instead, I will update you on your favorite Blog characters.  For instance I am sure you will all breathe a sigh of relief to know I saw Mr. Backside and a very lovely, if not entirely too skinny, girl walking hand and hand through Rittenhouse Park.  I am legitimately happy to see that he found someone although I am worried that any children they may have will get her skinny ass and not his very fine bottom.  That would be a real tragedy.

This year’s adventure as a beverage bitch went off without a hitch.  I didn’t destroy any landscaping. I managed to keep all the partners and clients thirst free.  I even got to be a demonstration dummy for the golf lesson at the end of the day at Mr. Scares the Pants Off of Me’s request no less. 

Lauren’s nephew started playing soccer this month and the night before his first game he asked his mom if Hottie Totti was going to be on his team. 

Speaking of being in the Zeitgeist, one of the fun features of my blog is that I get to look behind the scenes. I can see how many hits a day I am getting, what posts are being read and where readers are coming from.  There is also a tool that shows me what search phrases people have used to find my blog.  For the most part it is the obvious “Devil Wears Brooks Brothers.”  However I have had a few from “Totti” or “Pat Burrell Shirtless” searches. Still my favorite thus far has been “Tina Yothers Bikini Picture.”  For those three readers who found this page using those terms, I hope you weren’t too disappointed.”

I am obviously still with the firm. I didn’t get married this past weekend, nor has any bigger and brighter firm been able to lure me away.  As for my significant other situation, as guessed by those that know me best, he lasted approximately three weeks and is now gone, as is the distraction that never succeeded in getting my full attention. 

And since I didn’t get far with my quest to be a trophy wife, I was stuck packing this week.  While cleaning out a filing cabinet, I came across one of Cabbage Patch’s notebooks.  It brought a tear to my eye.  I sat back on a crate and thumbed through it, looking specifically for any hearts transcribed around our initials.  This week has been really tough and it made me realize just how much I didn’t appreciate Cabbage Patch.

I am also coming across a lot of copies of my “Private Eyes are Watching You” blog.  It seems some industrious individual took it upon him or herself to make multiple copies of the blog and hide them throughout the office for our Office Private Dick to find.  The first one I came across just got chucked.  The second had me raising an eyebrow.  The fourteenth had me laughing as I finally got the joke. 

Oh I am also getting much better at smiling.