June 29, 2006

That’s How You Become Great, Man. Hang Your Balls Out There!

Posted in Lessons Learned, Office Hijinks at 5:42 pm by devilwearsbrooksbrothers

There is a scene early on in Jerry Maguire, where Jerry has written his manifesto, woken up, realized it was a huge mistake, comes down to the lobby and is greeted by all his colleagues cheering for him, thanking him, telling him, “it is about time someone said it.”  Off in a corner, two of his co-workers are smiling and clapping and the one leans into the other and whispers, “How long till you think he is fired.”  Then they smile and wave and give Jerry two thumbs up. 

We had a similar scene here last week.  Mr. Scares the Crap Out of Me was on vacation.  While he was away an associate, who will be known only as Ballsy Maguire and referred to with a masculine pronoun not necessarily because this associate is a man but because Ballsy sounds like a guy’s name, took it upon himself to make a sign indicating Mr. Scares the Crap Out of Me’s mood.  It is a half circle, with an arrow that can be moved to point to Jovial, Patient, Indifferent, Testy and >@^*₣+<%)(*$&?!, which I think is suppose to represent an expletive or twenty.  

Upon seeing this sign there were a lot of “Woo-hoos!” and “Nice jobs”, and “It’s about time someone said it”; however I am pretty sure everyone was thinking, “How long until he gets fired.”  Well, okay, I was thinking it. Then a member of my editorial committee came up to me and asked if I saw the sign. I said yes and she asked me what I thought.  I could tell by her face that we were both thinking the same thing. 

Mr. Scares the Crap Out of Me’s return was the anticipated event of the week, as clearly evidenced by everyone’s tone shifting from “That is hysterical, who made it?”  to “Has he seen it yet?  When’s he get back?”  In the same sick sad way you slow down to check out a car accident, we all wanted to be around when he first laid eyes on his new sign.

When he finally did show up, there was only his assistant and yours truly around for miles.  I half expected an empty bag of Doritos to tumble down the hallway as he stood, facing off his sign. 

He dropped his bag. I tried to ascertain if his face had made the switch from “Jovial I just returned from vacation with my family” to “What the >@^*₣+<%)(*$&?! is this >@^*₣+<%)(*$&?!”

“Heh, heh, heh. Who made this?” 

His assistant responded that she was unable to tell him, but that she was sure he or she would want to take credit for it.  While Ballsy may be brave and funny, he is not stupid.  He asked that we all keep the fact that he made the sign quiet; hence the great lengths I have taken in this blog to keep his real identity a secret.”

This was followed up by another sinister laugh, which I interpreted to either mean, “I am trying to be a cool guy here, so I am going to pretend this doesn’t bother me”  or “I am pretending this doesn’t bother me so that its creator will step forward and then I can have his heart with my Cheerios for breakfast.” 

Mr. Scares the Crap Out of Me then remarked, “well these portions don’t need to be so big,” pointing to the first two sections. “And why indifferent? I am never indifferent.” 

By the time I finished writing this entry, Mr. Scares the Crap Out of Me had figured out who made the sign, like I said, he is a very smart man, and maybe a bit cooler than I had originally thought.

Does he still scare the crap out of me? Absolutely. Will I ever make a similar sign? Absolutely not. Will I even venture to come into the office extra early and move the dial when no one is looking?

Are you out of your g-d mind? 

As for Ballsy, maybe there is a lesson to be learned from all of this. I know I learned that girl has a got a set the size of my fists, which if you had ever seen my hands you would know are really big.


1 Comment »

  1. Steve said,

    I don’t understand your point.

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